May 2, 2013

The Big Bad Wolf

Here goes nothing!
As of May 1st: 
Somewhere along the line someone told me to write and I did but then deleted it.  I did this process of writing and delete so many times over the last 18 months that I can't count them.  What changed? Why did this see the light of day?  Well, it's time now.  Not under a cloak of darkness or hiding in the corner, although I am holding off making it public until May 19th.
The shame is gone.  Truth sucks.  Life can kick us hard sometimes.  We overcome.  We grow.  We learn.  We try to understand.  Taking a little time, some hard work with a sprinkle of hope we can make it.
Time is measurable, how you measure is up to you.  For me it's been 2 years or 24 months or 730 days but we are standing here through countless doctors appointments, many more blood samples, five cold tables on my back, one miscarriage, a quick stay in ER after basically passing out after one of those cold table visits and one round of the simple fertility drugs.  What I have to show for it right now is TONS of research, emotions of all kinds, supplements, a story and no baby...yet.

At seven most of our little girl dreams consisted of taking on the world, marrying prince charming, having a white picket fence house, and having 2.5 kids of your own.  What I didn't know then was having a family was going to be the hardest one to achieve.

We got married in the Spring of 2011 and started trying for a family right way.  There were no worries, no temperatures to be taken, no effort in trying to time it, just trying.  It was great!  I honestly didn't think twice about not getting pregnant right away since I knew it could sometimes take a couple of months or so.  The first blow to my little bubble was October 26th that year.  That day I miscarried and to this date was the only time I have been pregnant.  The silver lining to that day was that nobody was aware I was pregnant - it happened and I didn't have to tell anyone.

Time passed and the one year mark came around.  Doctors suggest that had one year of trying to get pregnant you go into the office and get referred to a specialist.  At this point, I was worried but was more stressed that we still weren't pregnant.  Up until this time only two other people outside of us knew that we are trying to get pregnant - it was the biggest little secret.

I remember the day my husband suggested I confine in a friend that had trouble getting pregnant, lets call her Amanda.  I was stressed that all I ever seemed to hear is "What are you going to have kids?" "Pregnant yet?" etc. I was sitting on our living rug and looked at him as if he had three heads.  'Tell someone else, are you frickin' kidding me?!?' But with a few more words and logic it was determined he was right, I probably should.  Honestly, I can't remember the day that I did tell her but it happened and when I figured I would surely die, I didn't. Actually she was quite helpful and a great sounding board for someone that 'gets it' because the gods honest truth is no matter how many of you out there try to help and offer words of wisdom, you don't get it.  By the way, NEVER EVER EVER EVER offer advice if you have never went through this that is the WORSE thing you can ever do,  EVER! Seriously, if you never remember anything in this blog remember that  NEVER EVER.  The girl will know your heart is in the right place but will want to punch you in the teeth anyways. TRUST ME!  Just be there, listening, talk if she talks but don't offer advice EVER!

On that note, I am finishing this post and will start another.  After all I am trying to jam two years into it.  :)

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