May 2, 2013

End of 2012, Beginning of 2013

I know I am glossing over and I will continue to do it just to get you up to speed so I can actually blog.

Having a baby is the name, researching is the game.

Random fact: There are multi studies out there that say depression from infertility is similar to the depression that one feels when they find out they have cancer.  Crazy and slightly weird, I know.  

Do you know many tricks and tips are out there to try to have a baby.  Information overload!
I don't want to get into details but we have tried the following:
-Hips in the air (advice from our doc)
-Eating Right
-Chinese Medicine which covers a bunch of other stuff
-Foods to eat
-Smoothies to drink
-Going on vacation
-Stress free environment
just to name a few.
Sometimes I feel like if I found out that standing on my head 3 times a day for 30 minutes would help I would do it.
The Chinese Medicine lady also told me to 'deal with the feelings' 'let it out'  I knew that for the last year and a half I had been like a camel with my head stuck in the sand, so I took her advice.  I spoke my mind, faced up to things and...

In February I finally succumbed to deep depression.  A few other things were catalysts including my dog accidentally running over a friends kid but none the less I was there.  It started fast and was furious.  I found myself crying over dirty dishes, laying on the living rug wondering what I did, ignoring the dog cause it was easier, crying violently over the washing machine for no good reason, not leaving my house to go outside for any reason and not talking to anyone, except my husband and father in law.  I didn't answer phone calls or texts from anyone except if it was work related.  It got to a point where friends and family were asking my husband 'what was up' or if I was mad at them.  One afternoon, at my height was depression I spend the first part of my day playing the 'why me game' and then started into a brand new bottle of the Captain Morgans around 1:30p.  Later in the afternoon I called my best friend crying and three sheets to the wind.  Not a proud moment but shit happens. I talked to her till just before my husband came home,  Once he was settled in I said 'Guess what I did this afternoon??" then shoved the 1/2 drank bottle of rum in his face with the line 'I'm hammered and it's ok because I am only doing this today".   People can't judge you for how you deal with it, just as long as you figure it out.  But the liquor let me leave my house.  That night we went to visit friends, let's call them Brayden & Julia, they had no idea I was drunk but I drunk more....3 or 4 glasses of wine, I seriously can't remember.  After we left, I convinced my husband to get me McDonalds.
Once home, I didn't even finished my McDonald's before I puked, then I passed out on our coach in my clothes with a puke bowl, just in case.  That's where I stayed for the night and at 10 am the next morning I woke up with a wicked hangover, it sucked.  My husband called later and asked how I was doing and I told him I was hungover but it was ok because it was my own fault.  That was also the last time I drank for a while.  After that day/night I started coming out of the depression.  I remember saying ''I don't want to feel like this but I do" to someone and the more I talked the better it got.  I also decided I was not hiding the little secret anymore, in fact my husband doesn't know why I wouldn't tell anyone up until them.

I told the first friend while we were at the Hot Springs and after I said 'well, that wasn't so bad, thanks for being my guinea pig'..  After that I just starting tell people, when I felt like it or when they asked.  It was liberating.

Now many people know and I feel less and less ashamed.  Which apparently is a totally normal feeling by the way.

After February and until current our biggest decision is do we go out of town to a Fertility Clinic and drop $15,000 for something that has a 45% success rate  (seriously, only 45%)  The general opinion right now and has always been 'who the hell what's to spend that kind of money for something that we shouldn't have to pay for;'  Plus I don't want to be on all those drugs either.


  1. Hi I came across your blog at LFCA. I just want to say you are not alone with this. I've been self-destructive too at times because of infertility. Don't beat yourself up over it and just take it one day at a time. Therapy has been helpful for me as well.

  2. Thanks for reading. I am glad you were able to find me. Since I have just started I am trying to reach more people. I have read part of your blog, it is so nice to know we are not all alone in this.