Goodbye 20's

My, how we grow!
Sunday I turn 30.
I entered my 20's on a three day party and working hungover with not a care in the world.  I will finish the last four days of my 20's and the first day of my 30's on fertility drugs.  We meet again Clomid, another five days of hot flashes, cranky moments and uncontrolable emotions.  Can't wait!! *boo*
Each Clomid cycle I am learning better ways to manage the craziness inside me and this cycle I am going to concentrate on relaxation and making my mind quiet.  Luckly for me and just in time the new hot yoga studio as opened.  I am hoping to attend classes more than once a day depending how things go.   
Keep an eye out too, since there isn't much to write on the baby front right now I am considering writing about my running in another blog.

If you can't find me I will be sweating it out at yoga for the next five days.

It ain't a party unless it's a clomid party

Here is to speed writing and not reading:

I have just finished my second round of Clomid and it was a thrilling five days of my life. *just a hint of sarcasm*
The last time I was on Clomid back in April I was a first class, grade AAA, raging cow then I would cry and want hugs.  It was a roller coaster that also came with intense hot flashes that required showering and changing clothes multiple times a day but I learned some good lesson that I tried this time around.
This time I avoided people like the plague whenever possible.  If I wasn't interacting via speech, text or email I couldn't fly off the handle and go crazy while pissing people off.  I had a 24/7 tape rolling in my head saying 'be nice, be nice, be nice'.  It kind of worked for a bit till I finally lost it late Friday.  The worst part about the raging emotions is you can't control what will set you off nor can you calm down even though you know in your head you are being a first class crazy bitch.  It is like a lava fissure at 10000x the speed and nothing you can do will stop it or close the fissure, it just gets wider and wider and wider.  You get crazier and crazier.  I would almost take more hot flashes to exchange in the raging emotions.
Let's talk hot flashes.  I imagine this is what menopause feels like.  I worked two of the five days and had two changes of clothes with me, deodorant, perfume, not to mention it is a chilly fall and I was wearing capris and tank tops, no jacket, too hot.  At home, I wore the light things I could find but my intense hot flashes this time around where at night.  It's 17 degrees in our house at night I will fling off all the covers and lay there.  It makes falling asleep difficult but I would rather have them at night than during the day.
In short, to everyone I may have pissed off or rubbed the wrong way last week, I don't apologize, seriously, I don't.  I am not proud of it nor am I thrilled about I did or the things I said that shouldn't have, it is embarrassing BUT I WANT A BABY! If being a raging bitch with hot flashes for five days or so is what it takes than the world can bite my ass as I walk out the door cause I will continue to do it. :)
More importantly, this afternoon I will find out if it is working at all and there are more than just one little eggie to up our chances.  I am not 100%s sure how much blogging I will do over the next little while because some of this we want to keep to ourselves, obviously.

Kind of everywhere...

I realize I am jumping from here to there in this post but I have no solid foundation in what I wanted to write.  I am suppose to be looking up plants to put in our yard anyways.

"You do everything right and are still getting kicked in the butt" - that is a quote from my regular doctor.  See, I have been eating well, drinking water, exercising, all the right things.  My reward: hypothyroidism caused from a thyroid infection and low salt levels from drinking too much water.   The best part of hypothyroidism is you gain weight at a rapid level and don't have loads of energy.

For the last couple of weeks I have been on meds to heal the thyroid and in two weeks time I should learn if they are working and hopefully go back on Clomid.  I feel like I have more energy but the weight is slowly coming off.  This is a pet peeve of mine since the gain was a direct factor of the thyroid and now I have to lose it.  But enough of that junk...

We had the pleasure of a visit from my best friends little family this past weekend. It was a lot of fun even with a fussing little babe we had a great time and sharing lots of love with the tiny bundle of joy.  It was a blessing to have them under our roof. 
Yesterday, I had the opportunity to chase another friends child through Wal-Mart.  Laughing, giggling.  Hello, who wouldn't want to hang out with kids like this.  I have learned to really, truly, cherish moments with friends' kids.  Enjoy them for their laughter, crying and other funny weird stuff.  It is too much fun and crazy not to enjoy.

I think I have grasped the idea of not thinking about baby 100% of the time.  In fact, right now I would have to count out what month is nine months from now which for me is a huge.  For the last 26 months I could rattle that number off like it was my phone number *big pat on the back*  

Defining by status quo

There was a news story a couple of weeks ago about couples struggling to get pregnant.  The t-up was "we will look at why that is" or something like it so I kept watching, as I was naturally interested.   Was it going to have to do with our environment? Our food? Our water? Toxins? Lifestyle?  I wanted to know what they 'discovered' about why infertility was on the rise.   The story came on and I was sorely disappointed.   It was focused solely around women choosing to have babies later in life and the fact that our fertility decreases each year.   There was nothing about how the rates of couples struggling to get pregnant at younger ages are going up - nothing.  Like the only thing causing fertility issues to rise is people waiting till they are older to try.   It was so annoying and disappointing.  Nobody is looking at why younger people are having problems, the focus on older people is only half the story. (I used to work in journalism so this really chokes me)  

Here is a 'makes no sense' photo:

Below is a picture of my current view, laying a floor waiting to go for a bike ride

No news is no news

Trying to get pregnant can be fun and it can be annoying along with every other emotion in between.
After having radioactive iodine uptake tests just under two weeks ago we are in a holding pattern.   It takes everything I have not to hound the fertility doctor and just sit and wait for their call.

I don't want to spend this month focused on having a baby since it is kind of out of my control right now.  I am spending this month learning how to funnel the energy into other activities while I wait.
Everytime I think about having a baby or wanting to google something related to it I quickly re focus the energy, in turn I feel a little less crazy.
Things I have refocused on:
-We have needed a new lawn mower blade since I hit a rock with it last summer (oops) - we have one now and my husband fought the mower to get it on but he won :) 
-I have left the car at home basically everyday since Saturday and biked all over town to get my errands done each day.  I have learned I don't really need a car on nice days.  Human energy takes you great places :)
-I have started going back to the gym with some prodding and open ended threats from my gym buddy :)
-I have done more stretching for my injured back and am doing mini workouts at home first thing in the morning, they take all of 10 minutes and are actually...wait for it...fun...seriously :)
-With another friend in tow, hiking is becoming a once a week occurance
-I am helping other people with their kids and enjoying the time spent with them instead of wishing I had one right now
-I have cleaned the house more often then not - minus the bathroom, I don't clean bathrooms
-I play around in the yard, spraying weeds, picking weeds, planting pretty things and playing fetch with the dog
-Organizing weekly dates with others so I always have something happy to look forward to
-Planning little trips here and there with my husband and friends
-I am playing more BrainBashers (www.brainbashers.com) It's good for the mind
-I am being extra sassy because its a good laugh
-With some friends I am taking part in the 5k Colour Me Rad Run

I feel invigorate.  I am certainly not over doing it but I am doing it with a smile on my face.   

While I wait for the phone to ring I am not staring at the phone.
Everyday is a challenge but we should start learning how to enjoy it.

Keys to Success

There are a few keys to surviving the struggle in getting pregnant. 

I believe the first and foremost is the strength from within the couple facing it.  You must be able to talk freely about desires, fears and ideas. If you can't achieve this you will have nobody to lean on to get through the darkest days - there are friends that may hold your hand but if your own significant other can't stand by you then what is your relationship really based on.  I am lucky enough to be going through this journey with an involved and support husband.  

The second things is a few close friends, maybe 3 or 4.  All friends don't need the details. You need just a few friends with whom you discuss everything.  I do mean everything.  How is xyz procedure going, Side effects, The mucus between your legs, when is the next period, did you get it, how are you feeling, want to hang out cause I know this day has sucked for you.  They provide an ear to listen or a conversation not related to your situation.  Sometimes you are just tired of talking about it.  But these select friends, these select friends really care.  You can pick these people any way you see fit just make sure you can trust them without any doubt.  You don't need them to share your icky details.  I think it also helps to let them know about each other so if they want to talk about you at least they are talking to someone that knows all the icky stuff too.  Because let's be honest, humans like to gossip.  If you don't want them to gossip then isolate them, make sure they don't know about each other then if you can truly trust them they won't speak a word to anyone.  

Third: You need a second circle of friends.  These are the ones that know selected details you have chosen to share. They don't know every icky detail or every time you have mildly freaked out.  They just know a generalized version of what is going on. They are the ones that ask questions and you answer or tell them you don't want to talk about it - either choice you make so them is ok. They can also provide a different outlook because sometimes it's nice to talk to someone that doesn't know your period should be here in the next two days.  It provides a different kind of mental break.   It is nice to have friends that really care but are comfortable not knowing everything.  It does help it you know at 1 or 2 of them could move into the category of knowing everything if you choose.  

Fourth:  General people.  People that know but not because you have had a heart to heart. They know, you know that they know but they don't ask how it's going unless you bring it up.  They provide normalcy in society.  I find these people are the ones that say how brave you are, how much it sucks or nothing at all.  Sometimes it feels like getting a hug from a stranger.  It is oddly awesome! 

Fifth: Honesty. This really could be listed as #2.  Honesty with yourself is so important.  It puts you in a clearly and happier state of mind.  Lying to yourself gets you nowhere.  For the longest time I pretended I didn't have a miscarriage, it was easier to lie to myself then deal with it but the trade off for your peace of mind isn't worth it.   The more you can take your head out of the sand the better you are able to think and process ideas and feelings.  Although we have been struggling for 25 months now my head was honestly in the sand up until a month ago.  I was just going through the motions and doing whatever I need under a cloak of darkness, after all I didn't talk about it.